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I hate myself for not being the person that I want to be. I hate these people who can’t notice how bad they’ve made me cry, how bad I’ve suffered because of them. I have a family, friends, I may be healthy, I have a shelter, I look normal but my soul feels like running away from my body. I want to escape to a place where no one knows me, where no one can judge me, where my heart won’t be able to love, where my skin won’t be able to feel, where my eyes won’t be able to see, where I won’t have the ability to think. What I’m saying may be against God but I didn’t choose to feel the way that I’m feeling. I wish I could be happy, I wish there could be someone that could dry my tears, and cure my wounds. I tried to find joy, I tried to fight for love, I tried to be what God wants me to be but people have rejected my love, people can’t understand what happiness is for me, people can’t understand what pain is for me. A smiley face for me is not necessarily joy, it’s a way to make people around you feel comfortable to approach you; wealth is simply a way of living; love is nothing when it can only be given; and the stupid part is that I always get hurt by the ones that are closer to me, the ones that I care for, the ones that I would give my last breath for. Is it how I should live life, is it how I should get a reward, is it how people should conceive things? I don’t know what I should do to be loveable by these people, what I should say. For some, I’ve given what they’ve required but they weren’t satisfied, I’ve said what they wanted to hear but I still wasn’t the type. I’m tired of these crappy stories about loving without return, be good, be wise, be a Christian, be charitable, be this, be that…I’ve done all of these and I wasn’t any better than I was now. People didn’t stop offending me. God has given me a heart and that makes me a human being. I can be sick of something, I can feel hurt,…And now, I’m tired of loving people, I’m tired of being good, I’m tired of being honest and being whatever is considered as the great example. If life is all about that, then I don’t belong. May God forgive me and my words!
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